Hello horse

You made me cry.

Isn’t it funny what will set you off?

This morning I went to pick up Tori from a sleepover. I had not been to this house yet. The address told me enough — Point Clear, near the Polo Fields. Fair enough. I knew what to expect.

I knew they had horses. But for some reason pulling through the gate and having that horse just look at me…

It brought home a lot of stuff.

Horses are so quintessential in most young girls’ fantasies of life. I am not able to give my girl a horse. Heck, right now, I can’t even afford a place for us to LIVE let alone a horse.

And once again I was in tears. Feeling like the failure Tim likes to remind me I am.

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My van AC is out and I’m WAAAAAAAAY too chicken to get an estimate. I don’t have the money. I was sweaty and windblown and cranky when I pull up at this mansion. Felt like a redneck slob, truth be told.

If you’ve been reading on this blog long enough you know that last Summer we were about to move into a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood with very nice neighbors in a very nice city with a very nice salary for ‘us’… and I was supposed to have a very nice life.

And I pulled the plug on all of it.

Me.

I pulled it. Yup. I totally admit it.

I said ‘no more’ and I walked away.

Do I regret it? Sure. In oh-so-many ways.

I wish I had kept my mouth shut and stayed miserable. Everyone else was happy in pretend land. I should have shut the heck up. I should have dutifully moved into a house we could not afford, while we still had a mortgage hanging over our heads here in Alabama. Dutifully believed more lines about how much better OUR life would be out there. How everything was going to change. How in TEXAS suddenly we’d reconnect. (Can someone out there explain what exactly was so magical about TEXAS that would reconnect us?) Why the heck didn’t he try here?

For that matter — why didn’t I?

I did not want to move. I told him so. I wanted to stay home where I was somewhat happy. Where I had support. I wanted to stay HOME. I loved our little house. I loved our little town. Why did we have to move? We had plans to expand our little house. We had talked about a future letting them grow up here.

And suddenly he HAD to be out there.

I hated Texas. We left for a reason. I agreed on a spur of the moment to move back there… and then spent months telling him it was the biggest mistake of our life. I was ignored. Told I needed help. Meds. Therapy.

Truth is: I needed none of that. I just wanted to be happy. To feel loved. To be in love. I wasn’t even worth a freaking Valentine’s Day Card. For that matter: I wasn’t worth a ‘Happy Valentine’s’ phone call.  * I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY.

Yeh. I pulled the plug on a dead marriage. I gave up the big house. I gave up the promise of more money. I gave up the plastic Stepford Wife neighborhood.

And each day I get a little closer to fully knowing that was the right choice for me. For the kids. Even for Tim.

But some days, like today…

When bigger and better and more money is so in-your-face….

Well, darnit, it’s hard!

_______

When I pulled up at this house to pick up Tori  (that was easily 2.5 times the size of the big house we were building) I just… sighed.

I will never live in that big house. I will never have horses.

And I could hear the words Tim recently texted me:

“Welcome to the world you created.”

No big house. No horses.

Living on an income well below poverty level.

No extra stuff. I’m just trying to survive at this point.

_______________

And then my daughter got in the van, happy and smiling about her sleepover. Excited to tell me about the horses. When I muttered something about ‘Sorry it’s so hot in the van,’ the kids all  assured me it wasn’t THAT bad.

We stopped by to pick up some of Tori’s friends on the way home and snagged some pizza rolls on sale. (Gross, just gross, by the way.)

Some school skirts Tori really wanted that I ordered off of eBay arrived. Tori told me how great it was we got them at such a good price.

Now the girls are downtown amusing themselves. Boys are going to swim in a bit.

And, yet again, I was reminded:

We have a roof over our heads.

We have a vehicle to drive.

We have money to get what we need.

We are loved.

Yeh…

“Welcome to the world you created.”

I kinda like the sound of that, actually.

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But instead of a horse, I think we’ll opt for a dog in a year or so.

Always loved this quote

To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded!

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Working on debt free!

Thank you so much, Carrie. Very excited. I have you, Liz, Jason, and e as my big supporters in this.

Two years max. Hoping less!

Tommy’s First Reconciliation

Tommy jumped right in and was the first to go in his group. It was a sweet service. Congrats to Tommy on his big day.

*Tim is still car-less. So, we picked him up on the way to church this morning and dropped him home afterward. Again: seemed the right thing to do. I sure hope he secures a rental car soon. You don’t realize how much you depend on a car until it’s gone.

Hello ole’ blog

Things are still in limbo around here, in some ways. I have yet to get back into my daily blogging groove.

Sigh.

Kids and I have settled down into a routine pretty much here at the Green House. Wednesdays the kids spend the night with Dad. They are there every other weekend or as things work out as well… plus every Sunday morning as the children are continuing their classes in the Catholic Church.

Work is sporadic at best for me. So, I’m looking at returning to school soon. Fingers crossed I am able to secure a grant.

Any lawyers out there reading this blog? I need advice on how to set up an account for Tommy’s Peanut Dog charity donations. I’ve had a few people say they are willing to donate but want me to set up a 501(c)(3). From all I have read a charity may not benefit one individual. So, trying to figure out how to make donations tax exempt for people… but still be earmarked for the Peanut Dog. I can figure this out!

So, I’ve had horrible luck with PCs recently. Gave in and got a Mac finally. And. I. LOVE. It.

A LOT.

But, sadly, due to the computer deaths I have lost hundreds of pictures. I had uploaded many to photobucket, and have some secured on an EHD. But I lost some recent ones. Like… Tori’s party. I only have the ones I put on Photobucket.

At least this may inspire me to organize and back up more regularly. And I just finished checking out iPhoto on my lil’ Mac Mini. Looks freaking AWESOME. Can’t wait to start on that. Face recognition? How cool is THAT?!

Tim was involved in an accident in the Wallace Tunnel today. He’s fine, but his itty bitty clown car might not be. I took the kids to meet him and drive him home from Daphne tonight. It seemed the right thing to do. They were happy to give him a hug and know he was well.

Anyway… we are alive and well. Looking forward to the Spring. In a BIG way.

My first time ‘hunting’

Last weekend was the first official weekend to drop the kids to their dad. I am blessed enough to have friends that want to keep me busy during times like these. Otherwise… I might have spent the weekend under the covers missing my babies. (Yeh, yeh, they aren’t babies anymore. I know, I know…)

So. I went hunting. Sorta.

You have to understand: this is ALL foreign to me. I was not raised in a family of hunters. To my knowledge no one in family actively hunts. My experience with guns was limited to a one time visit to the shooting range with Bri all those years ago. (I think I shot a 9mm and a…? Not sure?)

ANYWAY…

I sat in a stand for a few hours with my camera and watched the wildlife. We saw ten deer… and they lived to tell the tale.

I wish I had tons more pictures. But my shutter noise was SO loud. I only ended up taking a few for fear of spooking all the wildlife off. Bummer.

It was really really really cold. Luckily I was outfitted like I was going to the North Pole.

You know what? I reveled in the quiet. And the stars later that night? Amazing.

Not a bad way to spend a Saturday. Not bad at all.

I will be back soon…

I promise.

Christmas Day

Prepping for Thanksgiving

The kids and I have arrived safe and well, not sound after that traffic. But a strong Rum and Coke fixed the lack of soundness on my part. I think…

It’s my very first family holiday as a solo parent. Without the husband. It’s miserable in some ways. But I do not miss him like I thought I would. Which, in turn, makes me even more sad. –sigh– At any rate. We’re okay.

I wandered down into Don’s basement to find Tommy jumping up and down with excitement. Uncle Don had promised that Tommy could do the ‘shot’ for the turkey. After Don explained about giblets (with a pointed laugh in my direction– yeh yeh there was an INCIDENT in my early 20′s involving giblets. Shhhhhhhh!) the boys got down to business.

Bet that is going to be a goooooooood turkey.

nom nom nom…

Mom’s hair is trying to eat me!!

We had a good time at TJ’s dinner theater. Tim decided he could not make it. He had plans. With his girlfriend… uh, I mean co-workers at a South Alabama football game. Yay. For. Him.

He has a funny memory though.

Odd. He said he couldn’t recall if his friend that is a girl (and flirts with his non stop even though he is married) was there. Oh, yeh, maybe she was further down the row? Which, in Tim talk was being truthful. Technically she was further down the row.

He sucks.

A picture really is worth a thousand words, don’t you think? Actually: I can only think of one:

It starts with ‘h’ and ends with ‘o’…

Nice way to ‘fight for your marriage’ there, Timmy.